Happy Mother's Day

Every Mother's Day it seems, the articles circulate about how much moms would get paid, if only they got paid for being moms.
I understand the idea of getting the public conversation going and appreciate the importance of good parenting. But there's the rub, GOOD parenting-INVOLVED parenting-is what's important. And parenting implies dads, as well. So the good intentions of such articles usually get lost as nutjobs who think moms really should get this imaginary money start mouthing off.

You know what? Moms do get paid. They get paid in food-covered kisses and shitty macaroni art. And every other day of the year, I'm told how worth it being a mom is. You love your job? Good, now shut the fuck up about your paycheck.

"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out."

What the hell makes anyone think that quotes--inspirational, religious, or otherwise--are in any way appropriate on work emails? In my estimation, it's just as bad as using Comic Sans on... anything, really. 

Just in case I'm not making myself clear...

No one at work gives a flying fuck what inspires you and they damn sure aren't inspired by some stupid little quote at the bottom of your emails. During the work day, no one gives a shit what Mother Teresa said. No one cares what your favorite bible verse is. No one likes the "clever" little way you view life or adversity or anything outside the day's business. 

If you have useless crap like that on your work emails, you're an unprofessional twat. 

No one likes getting punched in the gut by perfume.

The way I understand it, your sense of smell tends to "go" when you get older. Apparently, no one who is actually old understands this.

If it only took two pumps of your perfume when you were 20, it only takes two pumps of your perfume when you're 60. Please, just believe me on this.

Someone should invent a technology that can tell how old a person is by touch. It should be applied to perfume and cologne bottles in such a way that when it recognizes old people fingers, it absolutely doesn't spray more than the amount necessary to smell nice without also knocking over everyone within a 10 foot radius. Said technology will then reset no sooner than 24 hours later.
I'd ban the sale of perfume and cologne to old people, but then they'd just get youngins to buy it in a vaguely ironic 180 of the kid outside 7-11 begging adults to buy him a forty of Schlitz Malt Liquor. Besides, I wouldn't want to be a complete asshole about this.



I realize there are plenty of people with perfectly young olfactory senses who offend the same way. They should simply be drug out in the street and shot in the arm. At least the kids don't wear Opium.